Musings

Some words about my semi-retirement…

Allow me to start this off with an apology.

I have been negligent in my responsibilities in keeping this blog current and guilty of providing you with little in the way of interesting content over the last few months. I have failed to live up to my expectations and, most likely, yours. To try and explain this behavior, words like implosion, meltdown, and buried come to mind, yet they are far too melodramatic to use in this context and I feel they sensationalize what is at the heart of the matter.

I’m simply too fucking busy.

Now, if I were busy researching a cure for cancer or solving the world’s overpopulation problems, then I have no issues with using the overworked excuse to justify my absence here. However, I’m not pursuing anything so lofty for mankind. Tossing myself into the pressure cooker of my life, I have finally reached a point where I simply do not want to take on one more damned responsibility or agree to one more commitment…no matter how tempting.

You see, I’ve always been one of those “inch-thick, mile-wide” kind of guys. In more polite terms, a Renaissance man. I’ve always believed that life is too short to be tied to one hobby, activity, or avocation. Therefore, I’ve ping-ponged between triathlon, archery, guitar, cycling, running, painting, meditation, martial arts, woodworking, urban farming, dog training and countless other pursuits. And as a result of that approach, I’ve yet to master any one of those pursuits and it’s safe to say that I pretty much suck at all of them.

While this makes me a rather interesting person in social circles because I can usually find something in common with nearly anyone who has a pulse, it does leave me feeling rather flighty. Even more so when I look back at my life and see many of the open loops that I would like to close before I take my final curtain call in the off-off Broadway production of “The Life of Hak.”

One of those loops I wanted to complete is triathlon. I returned to the sport in 2006 to relieve some work-related stress and to pick up where I had started many years earlier. Like many, I was infected by the multisport virus and fell in love with triathlon people. Runners were nice, but rather manic and a bit touched in the head (the exception being trail runners who are some of the coolest folks out there). Roadies, well, I still haven’t learned to like most of those pricks…although I do appreciate their skills. I’ve found the sport of triathlon, however, to be filled with a beautiful camaraderie of people looking to test their limits as well as lend a helping hand to others. I have seen no greater group of cheerleaders than top age groupers who stay near the finish line to offer encouragement to all of those who follow behind. You don’t see that in many other sports.

For the past two years, I have been trying to live that triathlon lifestyle of squeezing in multiple training sessions between a job and family. As one who has the attention span of a three-year-old, it should come as no surprise that I’ve also tried to integrate the triathlon lifestyle with those of a parent, employee, writer, and several other avocations and goals to which I have committed myself. What I’ve found is that no matter how hard and creatively I’ve tried, I can’t successfully weave together those somewhat incongruent existences into one seamless me. I’ve floundered for 20 years to succeed at somehow achieving near mastery of one subject while simultaneously being the Renaissance man. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m feeding a dead horse. It ain’t gonna happen.

The decision to go back to school last year to pursue a second career as a physician is what forced me to really take a long hard look at reality. It’s funny how having no time forces you to jettison parts of your life that take away from your dreams. It has also shown me that I am not the hot-shit multitasker I thought I was. There is no such thing as multitasking. There is only being in the present moment. In a nutshell, that’s what life boils down to. Being 100 percent committed to what you’re doing right here and right now…not chasing mental fireflies in the twilight.

I have also learned, viscerally at last, that my family comes first. Not being around to enjoy many meals with them over the past year has made me appreciate my time with them even more. Anything that takes away from those shared moments and memories needs to be re-examined.

As a result, I have come to the conclusion that the triathlon lifestyle needs to be jettisoned. Until my children are older, there is simply no excuse for me to take away one hour of the three I have with them on weekdays to ride a bike, drive to the pool, spend at the gym, or train at a yoga studio.

After all, what makes my long Sunday ride more noble than a crack addict passed out behind the alley dumpster when it comes to my kids’ perspective? An absentee father is still an absentee father no matter the cause.

So, I’ve semi-retired from triathlon because I have way too much shit on my plate. Where do I go from here? Give up completely? Replace triathlon with another less time-consuming activity like competitive bread buttering?

Or perhaps better put by extreme mountaineer and fitness innovator Mark Twight: “But there is a way out. Live the lifestyle instead of paying lip service to the lifestyle. Live with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly. Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of different things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one thing; accept, without reservation or rationalization, the responsibility of making a choice. When you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your thoughts from your actions.”

More in a couple of days…

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